I saw Pina today. If you haven’t seen it yet you should. It made me think about the kind of change that individuals and organizations can make and are making in work and life. I learned valuable lessons from this astonishing dancer, choreographer, and in effect, management coach from her dancers and their movement. Inspired by what I saw in the film, the following quotes are taken from this article by Pina Bausch herself. Food for thought.
On Parenting Values:
“My parents were very proud of me although they almost never saw me dance. They were never particularly interested in it either. But I felt myself greatly loved by them. I didn’t have to prove anything. They trusted me; they never blamed me for anything. I never had to feel guilty, not even later on. It is the most beautiful gift they could have given me.”
On Motherhood:
“I have now been allowed to experience how a person is born. And how one’s view of the world changes as a result. How a child experiences things. How free of prejudice it looks at everything. What natural trust is given to someone? In general to understand: a human being is born. Experiencing independently of this how and what is going on in your own body, how it is changing. Everything happens without me doing anything. And all of this then keeps flowing into my pieces and my work.”
On Professional Growth/Development:
“Arno Wüstenhöfer asked me to take over the Wuppertal Ballet as director…I didn’t have the confidence to do it. I was very frightened. I loved working freely. But he wouldn’t give up and kept asking me until I finally said: “I can give it a try.” Then, at the beginning−I was afraid to say, “I don’t know,” or “let me see.” I wanted to say, “OK, we’ll do this and this.” I planned everything very meticulously but soon realized that, apart from this planned work; I was also interested by completely different things that had nothing to do with my plans. Little by little I knew… that I had to decide: do I follow a plan or do I get involved with something which I don’t know where it will take me.”
Pina also said, “I’m not interested in how people move but what moves them.” Likewise, I want to hear from you. If you’ve seen the film, what did you think about it’s messages? If not, what do you think of the quotes above. What moves you?
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This year I am bringing it. I will not disappoint. But before we commit to any specific change, we need to focus on my change in mindset. Reading this article on New Years Resolutions, helped me to think about a bunch of ways in which I can help myself keep to resolutions and make sustainable change. (The whole article is great, but I handpicked a couple of key ideas.) Hope they are helpful!
Get happy! (or fake it till you make it.) A 2005 study by Lyubomirsky, King and Diener showed that success across every single life domain was preceded by being in a flourishing emotional state where positive emotions outweighed negative emotions by three to one. We do not get happy because we are successful; we become successful because we are happy.
Learn how to put yourself in the most positive frame of mind at all times. I read that Margaret Thatcher used to walk around with 3×5 index cards with inspirational quotes. No joke. That helped her keep herself focused in a room full of bullying world leaders. My take: Whatever trick can get you to a positive, or remind you to be happy and strong, do it! It will be worth it.
Get rid of dead wood in your social and professional life. Limit time and energy that is currently going to “black holes” by simply having higher boundaries.
Do hard things. Research from the University of San Francisco, called the “No Pain, No Gain” research has also found that the things we are proudest of at the end of the day, and that produce the greatest self-esteem, are the things we probably didn’t enjoy, and that might have made us miserable while doing them.
Take more risks. The research shows that we regret what we don’t try, and not what we try that doesn’t work out.
Traditionally, compromise has referred to the act of giving up something that you want in order to reach an agreement. It’s a loaded word that makes me cringe at times because it has the connotation of ‘losing’ built into it. The word draws up images of getting a short end of the stick or being on the losing end… constantly taking one’s focus away from what the process does help you get.
Let’s make a case for looking at compromise more as a tool to manage the demands life places on us daily, instead of the necessary evil that lurks in our lives as we make everyday choices.
As a mother, a wife and a professional, I have had my fair share of making choices regarding my family, life and work, over the past several years. Each choice had its pros and cons and entailed a compromise. I realize now though that the process of compromising calls for more than just giving up something I desire or want. It has often involved the tedious process of discussing and identifying priorities; evaluating what is most important to me and my family at that particular point in time and then taking a decision that is meaningful for our situation within our life context.
I would be lying if I said that outcomes of all decisions landed us in a win-win instantly. On the contrary, there have been times where I traded blissful sleep for a much-needed quiet cup of morning tea; or working full-time to being with my daughter full-time; or having invigorating conversations with fellow-colleagues at lunch to having a lunch date with my laptop as I work from home.
What I have come to appreciate is that the process of compromise helps us understand what is important to us in our life and provide a way in which to manage competing priorities all vying for our attention at one time. It helps put things in perspective.
I can’t help but wonder, living in an era marked with our desire to ‘have it all’, are we missing the link between compromise, making choices and happiness? As we wade through the maze of being a parent, professional, partner and a person with his/her own unique interests in life; are we being trained to want everything with no room for compromise?
Another thought on why we judge each other as moms, as dads, as parents.
I just read this huffingtonpost parents article on the topic. (BTW-Congrats to my bococa neighbor who just launched Huffpo parents as the Managing Editor!).
Having just being criticized for talking about allowing young kids to watch the occasional tv program, the author felt the elusive embrace and the intense wrath of the online comment community. And let me say, whether I like it or not, I am in her camp. Sesame street and coffee help us to get out of the house in the morning.
She decided to look into the reasons for why parents judge each other. Here were some of her main conclusions. We judge because…
we have too many expectations and responsibilities to juggle
it’s too hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes
we are jealous
it’s easier than dealing with what our kids are doing
we are terrified we will make big mistakes
All true, and what resonated with me the most was this:
We judge because we are all unsure that we are actually doing this whole parenting thing correctly.
We want to look to others to see how they are doing horribly wrong, or perfectly. Consider the shock and sadness that came up for many with the recent divorce of Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore. Many people felt betrayed, that their model for modern parenthood, and of modern marriage had cracked. I was never a huge Sonic Youth fan, but I felt it too.
We want to feel like someone is doing it right, be able to tell which is which and do what they are doing. Meanwhile, we forget that no matter how hard we try none of us can do this whole parenting, living and working thing correctly all the time. The more we talk openly about our challenges and the close the door to idealization and judgement the easier the shift to mutual support.
At a meeting with fabulous Brooklyn working moms last week, we talked about clearing things off our plate-the value of automating. Coordinating routine things simply or automatically not only saves time and money, it can boost your sanity. I thought it might be useful to post all of the links I like in one place [...]
Last week, I attended @momcentral’s event at internet week and met dozens of wonderful mommy bloggers balancing their work and passions online. This week I hosted the first (of many more!) facilitated working working moms night out in collaboration with @babybitesbrooklyn. Fourteen women discussed all of the benefits and challenges of working mother good. Tomorrow, [...]
My daughter has always loved the drums. J used to show her videos of famous drummers youtube when she was tiny and she was mesmerized. Her favorite book is Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb. The other day we were over at our friends’ house, who have an amazing kids’ drum set. S picked up a stick [...]
This is a guest blog post by Alethea Cheng Fitzpatrick, family photographer, architect and mom. Her company, nestingNYC, specializes in the unique integration of baby photography and interior design. Her upcoming 12 week online photosanity workshop helps parents not just take better photos but get a handle on organizing, editing and sharing too. I’ve always [...]
Like most people, I find talking about my career and life choices incredibly overwhelming - Rachael was able to help me break down this very complicated, emotionally-laden topic and think about it in small pieces. Her calmness helped me relax so that I was able to be reflective and at times even creative, rather than anxious and overwhelmed.
-R.M., LICSW, MPH
Rachael is that rare combination of highly intuitive, intelligent, and warmly reassuring personality that makes working with a career coach something pleasurable, surprising, and incredibly helpful to have when searching for direction in one's career. She is uniquely suited to today's job environment because she truly 'gets' the working mom's dilemma of wanting job satisfaction while her role at home changes dramatically. Rachael knows what questions to ask and truly cares about what your answers are.
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Rachael was able to guide me--through tailored exercises, articles and discussion--toward a finer perspective of my career, both past and future...Rachael also stresses balance between career, parenthood and partnership. As a parent, it's harder to spend quality time with everyone, including yourself, and Rachael has some excellent insight into creating workable goals for both short- and long term happiness.
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